Jaxon I’m crying

All I’ve ever been is hurt. I don’t have a mother anymore but one of the things she thought me was to be true to my woman. I will never forget rubbing alcohol on her back and her saying “don’t ever do this to a woman”. I’ve never cheated on or taken advantage of any woman and it was a tough pill to swallow when I had to accept that that only matters to me. It doesn’t even exist outside of my thoughts. So understand my solace when I say that you will be better than me. At my age I doubt that I will ever know what’s so wrong with me and why I’m the guy that crys in his bed at night. All I know is that you mustn’t feel this. No one ever told me that it was ok to believe in myself. People say I’m smart and compliment me all the time, but if that were true then I’d never feel like this. I’m a father and the time for crying over women has long passed. I will do better. Please excuse my faults Jaxon. 

Jaxon, I am a silly goose!

And let me tell you why. Actually, standby….

Ok, so I woke up today a bit early because I wanted to call the IRS and check on my tax return before work. So I called them, had an hour long conversation and got online and started working. I opened up a few spreadsheets, connected to a few jump servers, and I was just another worker be buzzing along. About 45 minutes go by and my boss pings me on Skype and says:

Boss: gm Quincy, working on a holiday?

Me: I know it’s Memorial Day. Are we off?

Boss: I see nobody connected. So I guess it is?

Me: hahaha pretend I was never here. (After growing more embarrassed) actually I will say online and work a bit.
So,ummm, yea totally a holiday and I’m off today and Monday too and didn’t even know it. I’m a silly goose! 

At any rate, you have an ear infection and are on meds for 10 days. I asked your mom how you’re feeling and she said your happy and playing. So I’m glad you’re not feeling bad today. I hope you stay happy and healthy. I love you. I miss you. 

Your mom really is awesome

Jax, I tell people all the time that, at the end of the day, I don’t have to worry if you will be well cared for or if she will make the right choices, because I know she will. I sometimes get frustrated and impatient because of her and I. But when it comes to you, I don’t have a care in the world. Always love and respect your mother. 

Jaxon, you saw my sister today 

It was nice of your mom to let my sister and I come over and see Jaxon today. My sister loves being your aunt so much and I’d hate it if issues between your mom and I prevented her from enjoying her new Auntly title. I gave my sister a phone and I just called to see if she had an issues with Apple and she asked if she w old get to see you again tomorrow and I was happy to tell her that she would see you again tomorrow. She loved feeding you too! It was her first time. Its so crazy how sometimes the simple things in life are the most rewarding. You hadn’t seen her in a while because she loves far away. She misses you and asks about you all the time. 

The Balance

That’s the best way I can explain the essential part of being a good man. I got a text from him text and it made me so happy that the incredibly hot woman laying naked in my second room, for a split second, was at risk. My friend Ruben has the most accurate balance of any man I know. He is only now the second best man I know because I’m reserving a spot for you. I will always support him and his family. I’ve put my arms around him when he was in pain when things were wobbly. I always say the same things “fight for your wife” “give her what she give you” “fight for your family” because “I need you to make it” because I want to follow his. I aspire to be the type of man he is. He’s hard working, dedicated, consistent, brave, passionate, caring, supportive, and so many other things it takes to have incredible wife and beautiful daughters. I’m pretty sure he girls are gonna love you. I can’t wait to put you in his hands. He asked me was I ok because his wife was concerned. That’s what a call a good man who created a good family, but how good can a man be without a good woman? I spent years showing your mother that she is a good woman and I’m so scared right now because I’ve never really held myself together. So it feels good to see a man balance work, school, kids, home, marriage, bills, and so many more things and stilll has time to check on me. Son, I am on the way to save you from hating your mother from her destroying me. All I ever wanted was to spend my life with her. When I fell in love with your mother I knew God was real. I dedicate my life to the balance, and it starts with me. I’m coming Jaxon, Ruben too. My victory is already gauranteed, because he showed me how to do it. Ironically enough,  I was at his house when he dumb fine naked chick in the other room got treated inappropriately and her stuff thrown out just because I wanted to share with her that I had a son. And I’ve gotten 7 texts about her since I posted her picture and a quick note about her, I was crying on stool next to her bed about sex with people I know, without permission, and she said “Look at yourself. You’re the best man I know and you’re crying because I fucked your friends, when all they wanna be is you, but they all left dissatisfied.” And I got up from that stool with balance. 

Dear Dodds

Thank you so much for everything you’ve done ,and are doing, for Jaxon while Kristen and I work out our differences. I’m thankful that Jax has you guys.